ZOMG o hai u guise!!!11!
Some of you probably recognise me from Midnight Mass where I humbly hand out the weekly bulletin and shamelessly try to get on stage every chance I get. Some of you (lucky you!) also probably know me from certain other dark and boozy places you probably don’t tell your mom about (me neither!, but let’s just keep all that entre-nous for now, k?)
Anywayz, let me explain to you why you are now reading these words that I’m typing at you: I am TOtally your new PeachesChrist.com official advice columnist! *cue parade*
Ever since I was a little wombtroll, I have wanted to tell people how I think they should live their lives. But to get paid TOO? Incroyable! (That’s French for “Holy Shit!”) Here I am today to tell you the that dream has now come true, thanx to these nice people here at “The Peach Pit” (can’t wait to see the pendulums!) When they told me that I can have as much popcorn as I want just to answer your little old letters, well I just about peed myself (okay i won’t lie…i totally did!) I’m talkin’ UNLIMITED CORN folx! Who could resist?
So let me tell you how this works, see:
first, YOU have a problem (preferable insurmountable, but I’m not a sizequeen or anything). Okay, so now that YOU have a question that YOU cannot possibly confide in to anyone else, YOU just plop your hairy little tentacles down in front of your computer and shoot me an email, honey! Then, I will dispense some life-altering advice and pa-DOW! Your mind=blown. Got it? Good!
Now, I’m not just your average agony aunt here, ladeez: I will answer any and all questions you may have, and probably leave you scratching your head over a few more! Ask me about: beautiful living, arts & crafts, grooming & appearance, party tips, drink recipes, romantic & career advice (see: drink recipes), you name it…Like, look–here’s a couple now:
I am an expecting mother living in a spooky old apartment. My husband is an actor and is away much of the time. The truth is, is that I don’t have many friends in whom to confide.
There is this old lady across the hall who brings me these disgusting smoothies every day, an old family recipe that she swears will make our new little addition grow big and strong. While she is not an absolute gorgon, there is something about her and her husband that make me slightly uncomfortable, and I simply can’t bear to choke down another of her foul-smelling concoctions.
Lately she has been pestering me to switch my OB-GYN to an old family friend of hers. How can I gently suggest that she mind her own business? –Rosemary NY, NY
What a pretty name!
Honey, there is no easy way to deal with nosy neighbours. The polite thing to do would be to “get busy”. Involve yourself with some local *shudder* “mommy” groups or maybe spend some time getting your nursery in order. But ask yourself, would it be so terrible to keep humouring the old buzzard?
I mean, think ahead, to after you’ve pushed out that little papoose. You are going to need some “me” time away from that little hellspawn, and childcare ain’t cheap, ghourlfiend! She may seem annoying now, but obviously she is just trying to do the neighbourly thing.
As for those “disgusting” old family recipes: lots of pregnant women become overly sensitive to tastes and smells, it’s very common. Realise that you are a raging bag of ‘mones and just chug it. Can’t hurt, right? I have always put a lot of stock in the folk wisdom of our older generations. Anywayz, good luck honey! xoxo
What’s the best way to get blood out of my clownsuit? –Pogo the Clown Waterloo, IA
While I am a HUGE believer in the almighty cleansing power of club soda and Shout Wipes™, I always say: if it could be considered “evidence”, you should just go ahead and burn it, and then scatter the ashes some place secluded. Hope that helps! xoxo
Got more issues than National Geographic? Hugz is here to help! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org