Hey ladeez what the fuck is up? I just got back home from the absolutely HUGE INCREDIBLE UH-MAZING L.A. premiere of “All About Evil”, and boy are my arms tired! From giving handy-J’s. To top movie exec–anywayz, the point is, I had a great time and did some “networking”, as they say in The Biz.

Ooo! Ooo! I even have a blind item for you: what very Z-list total prick actor from an insanely campy B-movie was a giant baby and got physical & nearly violent with li’l ol’ Hugz when I wouldn’t let him into the lobby early? Dude was pissed! Haha it wuz awesome! I have to give him props for maintaining a stinkeye even after the movie was over. I fully expect that he is somewhere, making a voodoo doll of me, right this very moment!

During the premiere (which was seriously off the Richter scale, yo!), I also had the pleasure of meeting my fellow PeachesChrist.com columnist, Michael Varrati, and he is as sweet as he is adorable! I have been reading his articles with great admiration (and you should too!), so it wuz awesome to finally get to meet in person. Read his recap of the AAE premiere <a href=”http://www.peacheschrist.com/?p=4316″>HERE!</a>

The “All About Evil” pre-show was so much fun and the audience seemed to lap up every chunk we spewed their way. I was so honoured to be a part of it. Look out for the All About Evil 4-D Experience coming soon to a town near you! Get all the deets here on PeachesChrist.com. Now let’s look at some letters:

Hey Ghoul!

I just got my second DUI and now the court has ordered me to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. I want to be compliant, but it is super ugly. How can I dress up my SCRAM without looking like a ham?–Not Lindsay, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Not Lindsey,

Oh poor Lindz, my favourite ditch skank is headed for the Big House! She was the one star I was hoping to see in L.A. but it didn’t happen Then again, maybe if I had spent more time in the liquor aisle at Von’s or the VIP coke stall at Area, I coulda got a glimpse. Oh well maybe next time!

So Miz Thang, as you know, SCRAM alcohol-monitering bracelets (anklets?) are this season’s must have accessory. Unfortunately, they are a court-appointed item, so you really have to ramp it up if you want one ladeez! You know, I’m actually surprised that someone hasn’t done deigner SCRAMs. You’d think Ed Hardy would be all over that, amirite?

But listen, Not Lindsay, I think you can go two ways with it: you can be LiLo 2007 or you can be LiLo 2010. The Lindsay Lohan of 2007 wore her SCRAM with pride, pairing it with bikinis, 8 inch Dior stilettos, a carton of Marlboro Golds and a shit-ton of “fuck you” attitude. It WAS the accessory! Sadly the 40-year-old swamp witch hooker Lindz of today hides her alcohol-monitor shamefully under scrunch boots and ponchos, her tears leaving freckled streaks in her magic tan. So sad! Don’t be a sad Lindsay! Good luck hunny!

Hey Ghoul!

I recently heard these two rather large women in the supermarket talking about “kai kai”. I’ve never even heard of it and can’t find anything on the internet. Do you know what they were referring to?–Demi Lesse, San Francisco, CA

Dear Demi,

I hate to break it to you hunny, but those were probably d00ds. “Kai kai” is when two drag queens get it on, and it seems to be universally frowned upon. Which is too bad really, becuz I know some pretty darn cute-as-a-boy/hawt-as-a-lady kweenz. I personally have never “kai kai”-ed, at least that I remember. Which means it’s entirely possible, since I spend a third of my life in a rolling blackout.

Anywayz, it soundz absolutely horrifying (not really) and morally abhorrent (well maybe alittle). I guess the real issue here is that DQs are cunty piranhas that will snatch a bitch bald-headed just becuz the sky is blue, and it is ill-advised to put two of them in the same room, let alone let them bruise junk. Lord knows there is enough suffering in the world, so for heaven’s sake, ladeez, let’s stop clownfucking each other! That’s what tranny chasers are for. To each, his own appointed round, as they say. Thanx for asking hunny!

Hey Ghoul!

I am vampire in a real pickle. I recently was forced to dispatch my human thrall in an unfortunate incident. He has always been pretty careless, but this was absolutely the last straw! He let one of my meals escape, and well, I was furious! I left that obduratious rapscallion hanging from the rafters, drained of blood. Any suggestions on how to expedite finding a new one? I am being hunted by some local bloodbags and need one quick! –Kurt, ‘Salem’s Lot, ME

Dear Kurt,

Well, mister, it sounds like you need to work on your anger management skillz! You may be a monster, but you don’t have to be a monster boss!  Many people make the assumption that if one is riding a dead horse, the best thing to do is buy a stronger whip. Nothing could be further from the truth. The first step is to choose a qualified candidate. Take the time to select an employee that will suit your needs and nurture that person as you would a plant, or a nice cold pitcher of martinis. Maintain your new employees confidence by setting an example; never ask your new henchman to do anything that you wouldn’t do yourself! Also, respect his free time: everyone deserves a private life! And finally, show your appreciation for their hard work, if not with a commensurate salary, then thru other rewards and incentives. Consider taking your little toady to a nice dinner or a special event, like a Peaches Christ “All About Evil” 4-D Experience! Good luck hunny! P.S. I hear Lindsay Lohan is looking for a job!

Well that’s gonna have to do for today, my lambies! Check back in a couple of weeks for more riveting dramas, but check back often for Peaches Christ tour updates and more! Ciao 4 now!

Can’t save the drama for your Mama? Hugz is here to help! Write to hugz@peacheschrist.com